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July 9th, 2016

01:34 pm

Words... I can only offer words to help drown out the evil in my head. The thoughts that will consume me if I am willing. If I give an inch the feelings gain a mile. I go from calm ans collected to a bundle of panic.. almost manic.. looking for a soultion to help me breath... one... two... three... breath.. one... two... three ... breath... let the sun wash over me.. let the world fade around me. Don't rush your words.. dont rush your dreams...

Words help reduce my panic.. help level me back to place.. they make little sense to anyone... but they light the dark for me... help me crawl from the ashes that consume my thoughts..

People.. hate... the world we live in... one day maybe we will love each other for what we are, the personalitys.. our abilitys to aim for the stars... until then fear consumes everyone and everything...

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November 20th, 2015

05:37 pm - When will someone save me from myself
What a day... what a way to be.... to be lost in a world.. where maybe I can't be me... I try so hard to please you, I think about it long and hard... yet every day I die a little... when you fail to see my heart. Everything I do, and everything I've done... has all some how put me here... where I seem to fall apart. I cannot lead the way, I can't even find my own... because every turn I take... brings me to a darker road.

How can I please you, when hurting me is the only way. I do all of what you ask of me.. and yet I don't feel safe. I dot the t's and cross the I's because I am so torn.. I cannot find a way to breath.. I cannot make your heart warm. So when is time to close the door.. and walk a brighter path.. when is time to say good bye... when is it safe to laugh... at childish dreams still beating me... and poking every day..

When you loose the one you love, will someone step into that place.. how do you fill a void.. when its such a tight and dark place.. when will the time help heal me.. for the words you spoke so cold... when will I find my place.. when I feel I'm all alone.

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November 12th, 2015

08:25 pm - Broken

When you close your eyes tonight.. will I cross your mind one last time... as I lay here trying to function trying to breath, the reality and finality of the world haunts my mind. I can't breath so I panic and I wonder if the choices I have made are finally closing in around me. I used to leave crumbs.. so I would have a way to walk out.. but now I am feeling like Alice... when the door is so small and she is so big.. but for me there is no magic waiting to help ... I stand in a room forever  shrinking.. and I am pounding on the walls just to grasp at more air.. more space.. a chance to free the girl I used to be..  but I am broken.. I am lost... I cannot find my way.. I cannot break through.. and the loneliness of the world is just beating on me like the sun on a warm summer day... I can't breath as I look around trying to find a way to survive in the quicksand... but the more I struggle, the more I fall. When will you look at me for the one that I am.. when will you notice the room is so dark... and I am falling.... but you're never there to catch me.... you made a promise but you're not who you were... though you poke at every insecurity.. you knock me down.. I am loosing the battle.. but I won't loose the war. I am keeping my head above water... but trending lightly.. daily I feel the need to find a way to know that I am here. Daily I am forced to see the creepy dark road or the amazingly lit path.. most people chose as if there is no thought.. but I stuggle.... I can't see.. because everything about me is broken.. eveything about me bleeds..  I used to know who I was.. I used to stand strong..  when did that change.. who decided I needed to be so weak... where did my fight go.. when did I give up on my dreams... do you even see me? Do you know me? Will you wake up and help pick up thepieces... will you save me!

Current Location: lost in my mind

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October 20th, 2015

02:03 pm
On July 13th of 2010 I took to livejournal to help cope with a a loss... or the beginning of a loss. I was in a tizzy and really had no clue how to handle it.. Years later I have two amazing babies... and yet I can't help but think of the what could have been. The man I married thinks its morbid.. and there is something wrong with me for even bringing it up.. but I am who I am.. and that is all I have ever been.. or will ever be.

Now I am being told I am not the person I used to be.. but who is that person? How do you get back to that person, who does not need much.. who does not depend on the person I am supposed to stand next to.

The world changes daily, and so do the people in it, because you have to evolve to stay alive.. I notice when I write it is a big mess.. yet it helps me work out what ever craziness is in my head at the moment.. I do that thing where I just type... don't really care who reads it.. because I know the few friends who knew about this journal are out of my life.. or don't come on here.

I just want to be at a place.. where I can feel safe, and loved not for who I was a long time ago.. but the person I am now

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February 20th, 2015

08:53 am
Journals... some make sense.. and some don't.. some are just words, and others bring hope. Some pour their heart out on a blank white page, others just stare and say they will write another day, but the pages stay empty, and the words are unsaid. The darkness builds and fills your mind. Crazy people or those who are sane.. all join together one the same. Swirling desire burning inside... rock it out or you know you'll cry. Coping hoping washing away, saving the words, fading away.

You can't fight fire with fire... You can't stop the burning when you running away.. You can't fight fire with fire... but you can plant you feet on the ground.

There's no use in running to hide, you will just get caught in the flame.

Write a lyric and stick away... going to look back on it another day.. Write a lyric because it makes you feel that burning hole deep inside. Words are words tempting as fate

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November 24th, 2014

07:24 pm - Anger

Walk it out, walk away, don't let the anger take today. Walk it out, walk away, make that choice don't need to stay.

The world's a crazy chaotic place, everyone sees it, everybody needs it.  Close your eyes just count to ten.. everyone's a little bit happier then.

Walk It out, walk away, dont let the anger take today. Walk it out, walk away dont let that stranger make you sway.

Work hard all day, make that pay, dream a little brighter reach a little higher. Cross that road but look both ways. Dont let the sun hide in the rain.

Walk it out, walk away, dont let the anger take today. Walk it out, walk away. Dont waste your time it ticks away.

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November 21st, 2014

09:15 am - Are you lonely tonight

Many times in life we all search... for friends, answers, a place to call our own. We are always searching and questioning things in our lives.  Very seldom in life do we cross a path that we are fully sure is the right way to take.  Most times we set out on a very winding path filled with debris and holes.. we are very careful as we walk as we know the wrong step can leave us tumbling to the ground. When you land on the ground you look around and hope there is someone near by who is willing to lend a hand.  When you start on the path you think I've got this.. I don't need help.. yet once you tumble you realise you need someone, you are reaching for someone.  Will they be there? We make choices, choose people to walk beside, grow old with someone who in a sense completes us..

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October 9th, 2014

09:26 pm - one...two...three..four..five

There are days when the walls close in, and the world around you is spinning... Spinning in directions to which you have no control. There are days when the darkness over powers your every breath.. you breath. .. one... two... three... four... five... one...two...three... four... five... one...two...three... four... five... and the world stops for a moment. You are clear headed.... just for a moment... and then you blink and all is a blur again...

one...two...three....four....five.... breath... just breath you can get through it if you just breath one...two...thee...four...five....

Can it be that simple.... can the road be that clear... can you know the answer but ignore the call when its there..

The mind is such a crazy thing... the way it works... and twists a simple thought into something much more complicated. Reading what is written on the wall, the splatter you try to idolize...

one...two...three...four...five... clear your head girl! Clear your head!

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April 25th, 2014

12:37 pm
There is light, and there is dark. There is a place in which everyone belongs, but it is getting to that place that become the challenge. When you get there, how do you know you have come to settle in your place?

Today... anyone can become a writer, I myself could say I am a writer. Yet what really makes one? How do you get to that point? I have come to know many people who have chosen the path of the written word. However I cannot say I have taken the time to read what they have to say. So what makes a writer?

What makes you the person you are meant to be? How do you choose a path when there are multiple one above you.

I have always had a small bit of a gift, I can just sit here and type, which I hear is very hard to harness for many people. Yet here I sit, just writing, about nothing and yet about everything all in the the same line. I can let loose of my mind and just drift as I sit here, fingers to the keyboard.

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April 3rd, 2014

12:26 pm - Words
Words cut like a knife, in a minute you don't know what has hit you. The things we say can paint the world in rainbows, or knock it down, reduce it to rubble on the floor.

Some people know the consequences to what they say or write about others, but I fear not everyone does. How do you decide what words to use against someone?

I have a gift, or a curse depending on how you look at it, and I know this is something I got from my daddy. I could look at you, and know all the right things to say to put you in a place so dark. Or I could look at you and know all the right things to say to help life you up out of your grave. I would like to say this has always been a gift because I have always wielded my sword in the right directions, and only ever used it for good. I was a child once, and I did what I thought I needed to do. I was bullied and I fought back, even if my attackers didn't know it. Did that make it right?

The world is full of people who say one thing and do another. I swear it seems like they were put on this Earth to make people miserable about themselves. How does that work? How as an adult do you sleep at night knowing that you may have caused the end to something. How can you be so destructive?

I loose my train of thought a lot. Some days I am so mad with all that is going on in my head. Sometimes I think medicine is the best cause of action, and other times I realize that it is a gift to have so much going on.

I will never be that person... that person who's written word you can't wait to read, I am okay with that. I will never be that person who will attack you on an open forum.. I am okay with that too... I will be that person who will tell you but not in the written form. Weather I like you or not, I will respect you enough to tell you in person.. even if that means you might want to punch me in the face.

I see that writing is a way of working out all the crazy shit going on around you, or in your head.. maybe even in your dreams. Respect the written word.

I am very grateful for the way I grew up. There was no Facebook, or blogging, and if there was... well most of us didn't have access to it. It is easy to fight a bully picking on you, but how do you fight a bully online? How do you fight someone who chooses to be so cowardly that they post your name on Facebook... sadness, madness!

I can say, I am grateful that I can just type.. that I can write what I need to say.. Even if it makes no sense to anyone but myself

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