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April 2nd, 2014

11:49 am
Day one goes by, and then day to.. before you know it your through with a week. It's an interesting thing, the way the day goes by.. and how as an adult time seems to move so much faster.

I remember being a child on summer break from school, day after day, it felt like it would never end, and yet.. it did. (Not that anyone wanted it to end) However now, as I am an adult... I find that I don't have the time to do anything, or at least half of what I want to do. Then I wonder is it my cell phone stopping me? Or the fact that I can catch up on the shows I missed while I was at work. How about Netflix? Is that what is stopping me?

I still find time to read a book, and I notice now that I am catching up with a few select people, who at one point were lost... and now I think well maybe I should write that book? See I work at a place where drama is the root of how everything seems to function, and I guess when dealing with teenagers that is bound to happen. Some story's are so amazing or amusing. I keep thinking, write it down. Document your knowledge, don't sit down to write a book, sit down and write your mind. Let you fingers do the work, as it comes so natural.

I think to myself, I know nothing of writing a book... But I do know that even a book written about true events would have to be an art of fiction, because we as the story tellers will ALWAYS over dramatize series of events which of course will lead to an inevitable break down.

So now I think, what is the most important thing? Ha, I have it.. the Characters, every book needs characters who you as a reader would come to love. Yet as I sit here thinking, it occurs to me that somehow I am always involved in the drama in one way or another. (When you are the boss to teenagers they will either love you or hate, you but hell your name is always on their lips.. making you unforgettable. Later on I wonder, will they tell their children of the crazy boss lady whom they loved to hate.)

So with in this becomes a realization.. First I need to document series of events (naturally putting my own spin of fiction on them), and the characters. And see if I can produce anything worth anything to be read or talked about.

"The end of the day came, and they all just stood around. It's the best time you see, the time when we are all free. We are not held down by our titles.. We are just people with our clicks. It is closing time, and while the doors are now locked, there is something to be seen in the parking lot. It starts every year as new employees fill roles of those lost and forgotten souls of the year before. When the warm breeze begins to blow, and no one wants to go home, because it's summer time, and no one wants to miss out on the time of their lives.

He was a very handsome man, at least to some. He knew what he was, and worked his magic as so. Very tall, sleek, olive complexion with baby blue eyes. He kept his hair short, and wow did it drive them nuts. His name was Mark, he was a long time employee, a player of a sort. Every year he would check out the "new recruits" and set his challenge high. He loved the challenge, and never went for the ones throwing themselves at his feet. Everyone knew him, he was talked about all the time... and he always shared his nightly escapades and the pictures of who he "concurred". They all knew of this man, they all knew how he liked to play, but they didn't care.. Mark was not one to hide who he was, he made it clear it was all about the sex, and though I never fell for his story, I heard he did not disappoint."

I don't know how I feel about that.. but it was my first attempt.. this character is more fiction then anything... but you have to start somewhere right? I wonder how this summer will be.. Tick tick tick tick... I will be letting the game of time take the lead.. and see where tomorrow leads.

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April 1st, 2014

12:33 pm - lost?
Help me, I fear I have lost my way.
Help me, I do not have strength left today.
Help me, for I am not who I was yesterday.

Cold winds, and colder weather blowing at my hair
Wet rain, dripping with despair
Standing tall, or falling short,
Story's clear and simply put.

Help me, I fear I have lost my way
Help me, I know I do not have the strength to fight
Help me, for I am not who I was yesterday.

I cross the road, all alone and shivering from the cold
I cross the road, I cross the road.
Darkened paths they lie ahead I cross the road, I cross the path

Help me, I fear I have lost my way
Help me, Please help me I pray

You don't come, you don't stand beside me
You don't care, don't care to find me.
You won't see the destruction your causing...

Help me, you won't help any way
Help me, I get stronger along the way
Help me, I am regenerating
Help me, I am not some scared puppy
Help me, you have made me find my strength
Help me...

I didn't need you anyway

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11:46 am
I used to blog all the time. Thought getting words out would some how help, help with the life overfilling my cup. When we are young, we all have dreams, we all have desires, but what sets us on our path... and what takes us away?

I am not one to sit here and say I had nothing to do with anything. I choose strength and what I believed to be love. Now, if you are reading and know anything about me.. your thinking WHOA! way to drop a bomb.... yet I am not saying I do not love... I am just saying that things get tough and troublesome.

We all start on the same road, the road to being born.. which is a path that we have no choice but to follow.. and after birth we are all handed different cards.. family... we take the paths that we are being led on, because when you are young, you have no choice. When we get older, we choose friends, or maybe the friends choose us. We then start to take new paths, choosing our own ways when we come to the forks in the road. Some of us, have a need to know how important we are.. have a need for attention, and some of us just sit in the back and "watch". WE all need love, in one form or another. We are human, and our hormones control the very basics of our lives.

What changes us as our lives go on, are simply people. I can sit here and write for hours knowing my words make no sense.. that my grammar is not what it should be... and realistically I can write anything as no one is likely to read this.

I have a point to my ramblings... I work out my life through the written word, and if I bloged daily maybe things would not be so complicated.

When you're feeling neglected your mind starts to change. When your heart takes a different path, you have no choice but to move forward with the feelings, and thus this is where I come to my fork in the road. It is so easy for me to look back to the past, and pass judgement on the me I used to be. I can not imagine the path I would have taken if I could scream and my old soul... Don't do it, you will take a path that leads you to be alone! A path where you cannot have friends.. and those who claim to be your friends are only doing it becasue they think they will gain from it... not becasue they actually know you... you will fight battles so long and hard because you think it is the right thing.. and yet you will find that just because it is right does not mean people will care. You will loose your heart in this battle... Dear child just run the other way.. take the other path...

Yet I wonder if I had taken the other path... how would my life have changed. How would your life have changed, if you changed the path of what at the time you thought would be a no nothing choice! Because as you will learn, it is often that no nothing choice, you never thought would effect you so, becomes the life you are now leading.. it has shaped it in every way!

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November 10th, 2012

04:58 pm
Turn around, walk away, the past is the past, it should stay that way.
Don't dare fret, don't dare frown, just be strong and stand your ground.
You made a choice, you took a chance, just be glad you haven't lost your voice.

The storm is coming, time to hunker down.
Don't know when it's over who will be left around.
The winds a blowing, there's dirt everywhere.
Stay strong, the air's not clear.

It's easy to question your choices, when your lost in a world of your own creation.
It's easy to back down, it's easy to smile instead of frown. I can write until the words no longer form. I can regret, I can be mad.. where does it lead.
Current Music: Where I stood, by Missy Higgins

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April 28th, 2011

10:37 am
Everyone has dreams... and as you grow your dreams adjust... yet they seem to get smaller do they not? Even though they seem more important they are not as far off as the dreams you dreamed of as a child. Its amazing how one event in your life can change your dreams... the loss of someone, or the gaining of someone... or even a sudden fear. We are always changing which I would say is just human nature... but again sometimes just wondering if it for the better... As I sit here writing I thing of all my old dreams... and now my big dream... one that is by far so not achivable is my mom being here for the birth of my child. I dont care what anyone has to say on the subject.. because until I lost my mommy I never truly understood what it was someone went through when they lost a parent... how important they are to you.. and then I see how some poeple treat their moms and it makes me cry.. because I dont have one in flesh anymore... and she was taken with a snap of the finger... I get childreen are foolish... we go our whole lives growing and learning... but nothing nothing touches on what you learn as a child... what you learn from your parents... you pick up on little traits... Like I never put anything back into my wallet... and my dad says I am totaly my moms daughter.. and it drives my husband nutts.. just like it did my dad... or trying to go overboard on things... like easter egg hunts where 2 kids hunt for 200 eggs... which belive it or not is surly condesned down from before... She is still very much a part of many things I do... but what I wouldnt' give to just be abel to feel her arms around me again.... to have her tell me it is all okay when I stressed... or to just go shopping with her again... becaues it really is the small stuff that I miss the most... just sitting there playing pogo with her on the interenet... trying to get our badges.. The smell of the house as she experiments with a new recepe... the extra weight we all seemed to gain in the end because she was in a dessert phase... well I have made myself too emotional today.. so I think this is where I end this.

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November 19th, 2010

11:57 pm
Dream a little dream with me... a dream of passion free from the world's critisim.. a time when everything jsut seems to fall into place and the room is silent in aw... dream a dream where you are everything and everyone else is just the crowd.. because all eyes are on you and your passions... you walk with such confidence becuase you know who you are.. and you know you rock.

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November 18th, 2010

11:23 pm
Every day you create a page in your book. You live a story one that some write down, and others just slowly forget... in the end though is your story what you want it to be? Have you done all you wanted to? It's scary when you know some people in your life will slowly fade away into nothing, what is more scary is the thought that you will witness them slowly forget who you are. Maybe who their children are, their friends, their family. Slowly loosing memories of things that meant the most to them.

What did I do today? Not much worth mentioning.. did I creat a new memorie? Hmm... not that I can think of.. I started my day with nothing specail.. though I do have to say that the cat seems to keep things annoying.. as he paws at my door and meows until I get up and let him in. I drove out to mokena to pick up hair dye... will make $50 to dye my hair and answer some questions.. which will be done at some point tomorow... another shade of blonde.. chances are no one will notice.

Went to work today... where I found out I did not work today.. waste of gas.. but whatever..

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November 7th, 2010

08:02 pm
A lot of us used to blog daily... often more than one post.. because it was "cool" to do.. or just becuase we were bored... Yet we created a histry of our lives.. or emotions or whatever it was we were writting about that day... Sometimes we posted because we hoped someone would read it, and toerh times we posted just because it helped us sort out our own dilemas.

So... a friend of mine on here recently posted that no one seems to be blogging anymore...

My blogs dont make sense half the time.. because they are random emotions being written without a care in the world.. most people in my life dont know about this, so it is a nice feeling having a way of getting my grrness out there without actuly upseting people.

Talk about growing as a person.. I never really would have cared if you read what I had to say and got upset...

Dave!! You rock, and I just need to tell you that.

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07:49 pm
Today was an oridnary day, not much to say... not much to say... yet you walk into the room like you know just where to lay... because you know just where to lay. You kiss me on the forhead... and oh how I long for more, just a little bitty touch has me begging for your help... Help ease my mind, help me be free... help me fly to a place, a faboulous dream. Oh how the minuets fly by, faster than a bird flys through the sky... before I know it, I am backed into the wall, but you have fled, walked away...

You can't help the helpless when you are the helpless my friend.. you cannot walk through a field with someone who gets lost at the end... you will make the wrong turn and hope that I am still here... where will I be? I am sure still laying here longing for you touch.. dreaming of the time when you come back and are mine.. In my head I hear words... and phrases that I piece together to make work with the dreams and desperation running through my mind... controling all my dreams... daring me to be weak.

Then I wake from the dream, and I glance aruond the room... and I am back to waiting on you to come home to me.. help me be strong when I am so weak...

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November 4th, 2010

03:09 pm
He walks into the room, and instantly you know something is differnt. You continue laying in bed, acting as if you were asleep, as he curls up next to you. Tonight he is very loving, in a way he has not been in a long time, a way you have in fact longed for... You enjoy the moment engage in small conversation. Thenext day, is very much the same. Comforting words, and feeling of love. He insists that dinner is your choice, and in fact he sticks to your decision.. still it is very different feeling. The next day you work, and when you come home he has made a big change, which is a little upsetting only becuase you have had a long day... and only want a shower.

So you turn on the water- as hot as it can get, get undressed and step into the shower. You let the heat and steam embrace you as you soap up your body and slowly wash away your day's issues.

The next day you are a little under the weather... the feeling you get before a sickness comes that brings you to your knees. He keeps insisting there is something wrong,becasue you don't look like yourself, you look sick, sad, and he admits like shit. Earlier that day a lot had gone on and yet it was not much at the same time. Helping your father with your sick grandmother, dropping off food donations from your compnays food drive, then home.

He still insists something must be wrong, once again you insist nothing is wrong. Then admits he feels guilty over the change he had done without talking to you... and you wonder is that the real reason?

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